February 8, 2026

I had an experience almost two weeks ago that turned my perspective upside down.

I’m not crazy.

It’s not in my head.

I’m seeing everything clearly.

But not everyone does. Or can.

I had a communication blunder with my professor in my graduate program. Backstory (because it matters…whether she chooses to acknowledge this or not): 3 months ago, my first introduction to her occurred when she reached out to inform me that I needed to submit my practicum arrangements in 5 business days. Students in my program usually have months to do this. I had been reaching out to my advisor for weeks to ask why I had not heard any instructions yet. Which prompted her to reach out. Essentially, the program had forgotten it was time for me to complete my practicum…and as a result, I needed to make a miracle happen in 5 days…without the program admitting any accountability for the mishap.

I pushed back at that time because I felt it was important to convey that this was very sudden and also challenging to pull off in 5 days. Her response? “Most students already have a plan for their practicum by the time we email.” How I received that message was, “Actually, this is YOUR fault for not being more prepared.” I got everything sorted within the 5 days and all was well, but not forgotten on my part.

Fast forward to this semester starting in January. Practicum is off to a fast-paced start. My preceptor oversees a hybrid staff and not many people are physically in the office on a given day, and she is only in the office two days/week. This professor emails me a comment that she is concerned about all of the virtual meetings I’m attending with my preceptor because the expectation is that practicum occurs in person.

My reaction was anxiety-driven as I was completely startled by yet again being thrown a curve-ball. I tore through information provided to me about practicum…nothing ever specified the “in person” requirement. An important detail to keep in mind is that I am also a leader of a remote work program. My assumption that virtual would be allowable is no more ridiculous than my professor’s assumption that on-site is the expectation.

I responded back with a lengthy email seeking clarity, trying to understand the rationale for the requirement and convey that virtual is the mode of operation for my practicum site. My tendency when this anxious is to provide all of the information I have, and also defend my stance. Overboard? Yes. Could I stop my panic-driven brain? No. Unprofessional? No.

A day and a half later, after losing sleep to worry over if my practicum could even continue, she responded that I needed to call her “to discuss this exchange.” Translation to me, “I’m in trouble.”

I manage to reach her on the phone. The first words out of her mouth are “I need you to tone it down.”

How do you feel when someone tells you to “tone it down?” It’s not a good feeling. It’s conveying that you’re “too much.”

She proceeded to tell me that my email was condescending and an inappropriate way to address a faculty member. She explained that she had shared them with her leadership team and they all agreed and told her she needed to have a conversation with me to handle my communication.

Translation: “I’m reminding you that I’m the one with the power here, and just in case you don’t agree, all of the other leaders also think you’re wrong.” Power in numbers.

The internal feeling upon hearing this was an immediate shut-down. I knew I was treading on thin ice and my body was sending signals that I was not safe. I let her express all of her thoughts and then gently asked, “May I share my perspective?”

We went through everything, all the way back to the transgression a few months ago when I was given short notice to secure my practicum arrangements. I could tell she didn’t want to go down that path, but to me it was an important part of the story.

“Essentially, everytime you communicate with me, I feel as though I’m being thrown a curveball that has really big impacts on my ability to finish the program.”

There was an excuse for everything. My advisor was thrown under the bus. The program was still new, and they were having to figure it out as they go. She made it clear that she was going above and beyond by holding this class just for me this semester. She tried to argue they didn’t “forget” about me. I had to reply, yes, I was clearly forgotten or I would have been given the customary several months to arrange my practicum.

Another piece of what she shared that did not sit well with me was her scattering of phrases such as, “You’re clearly a bright student,” and “You’re impressively articulate.” I think my Mama called those “back-handed compliments” when I was growing up.

This piece of the conversation ended with her apologizing for the lack of information I’d received about practicum and the need for last-minute arrangements. I thanked her for the apology and shared that honestly, if our relationship had started that way, this entire exchange likely would not have occurred.

We then discussed the virtual component/need for my practicum. She approached it well and understood why virtual would work best, and approved it. I was sure to share that I wished I had chosen to ask for a conversation instead of expressing myself via email, as the opportunity to discuss was helpful. We agreed to begin with a new slate, and both verbalized a better understanding of one another’s viewpoints.

There are a couple of serious transgressions here that I must move past because I need to finish my program, but also weigh heavily on my AuDHD soul.

• I’m in a leadership program and during this semester I have to analyze leadership styles. I’m observing my professor (a.k.a. school program leader) cast blame on her leadership colleagues for the situation, reiterate it’s not her fault, and take an authoritative approach to correct my communication style. Her approach, while I must accept because I’m her student, is completely misaligned with the content being taught.
• I’m observing the double-standard of her/the program not accepting accountability for misteps while immediately expecting me to take accountability for mine.
• She used the power-in-numbers strategy when explaining to me that her co-leaders agreed that my communication was crossing a line. As an experienced leader who has dealt with issues of this very nature, the last thing I would tell my staff member is that I shared their email with all of my coworkers and we all agree. This was absolutely humiliating and detail I did not need to hear her message. Does it make sense that she would run it by her colleagues? Absolutely. Do I need to know that? No. It communicated to me that she lacked confidence in her interpretation or plan and needed additional input. So, in the end, I feel both humiliated and also less trusting in her leadership ability.
• She revealed far too many program gaps and issues during our discussion. It was all to illustrate her excuses, but none of it exhibited the leadership skill of “managing up.”
• The use of my intelligence and articulation skills as a negative quality.

I’m going through this semester feeling as though my professor for my leadership practicum is not the expert or model I need in leadership.

As an AuDHD individual, there are some needs of mine neglected here:

• An understanding that an ADHD response is often based in panic and over-information.
• Her lack of desire to clarify my tone and intent. My “articulation” was assumed to be condescending.
• An understanding that change can be very difficult for autistic individuals.
• An understanding that autistic individuals need clarity and clear instructions and cannot always intuit unwritten rules.
• A basic understanding of when humans are experiencing anxiety.

This exchange taught me that some of these communication struggles throughout my life that left me confused about what I actually did wrong are likely of the same root cause—having my communication misunderstood and misinterpreted.

I absolutely accept accountability when I’ve overstepped in my communication. I’m actually not afraid to apologize whatsoever and am intentional in doing so because it is important to humanize making human mistakes.

I’m getting through the semester. I’ll graduate. I’ll restrain my inner advocate to get through this. But it’s pretty sad that I have to quiet myself and stay small in order to survive this power dynamic. I prefer to think of this moment as my awakening. I now realize I’m not always the problem. I more than likely encounter this type of situation when the other party isn’t ready or able to see a situation globally and accept their own humanity.