December 4, 2025

What the fuck is “self-care” anyway?

It’s the magic term coined by the Millennials to make you feel worse than you already do for NOT taking time to refill your own cup.

I have two young autistic sons, a household to manage, a mother with cognitive impairment (that may progress to dementia), a demanding job, and ongoing graduate course requirements to meet for my MBA/MSN (I graduate in August 2026!), and then start my DNP. Plus, I’m just a regular human trying to do regular things, like be a good family member, friend, and neighbor.

So when people so lovingly remind me to be sure to take time for “self-care,” WHEN THE FUCK DO I FIT THAT IN?!?

I’m sure a lot of you with competing, adult responsibilities feel the same. I do not have the magical answer, but I have learned some things over the past year, thanks to my incredible therapist.

Self-care does NOT automatically equate to:

• taking a relaxing trip
• going to the spa
• getting your nails/hair done
• soaking in a tub with a book and glass of wine
• time away from any of your responsibilities
• saying “No” to asks

Media outlets constructed by Millennials create this illusion that self-care equates to indulgence. Capitalism creates the illusion that indulgence has to cost money. We have to rewire our media-influenced assumptions about self-care and individualize it for ourselves in order to avoid self-care becoming yet another demand we cannot successfully meet.

I’ll say that again in a different way: if the concept of “self-care” feels like yet another demand in life, it is time to reframe it to something achievable and meaningful to YOU. And only you.

Self-care CAN be:

• Indulging your senses in bite-sized moments throughout the day
  • Pause for 5 seconds and take a deep inhale of your cup of coffee, allowing your sense of smell to bask in the wonder of freshly brewed coffee
  • Using your favorite-smelling soap/shampoo/shower gel during your routine shower, pausing for one second to remind yourself how much you love that fragrance
  • Using your favorite blanket during regularly-scheduled downtime. Or using your favorite blanket/sweater, etc. during stressful workday moments
  • Pausing for a moment to direct your attention to the feeling of your child/significant other’s skin against yours (I do this during snuggles with my youngest at bedtime–he likes his back rubbed while he falls asleep, and I remind myself to pay attention to the feeling of his young, soft skin against my fingertips)
  • Listening to something that brings you joy or peace during an activity you already have planned (driving, walking, cleaning the house)
  • Placing pictures, art, or other visually-pleasing items in proximity of the places you spend a majority of your time. At my desk at work, I have pictures of my family and artwork from my children. At my desk at home (for remote work), I have silly “desk mascots” I have collected over the years to add a slice of humor during the day. I have a baby hippo figuring my husband bought me, a screaming goat my boss gave me, a sad mini-trombone I can press to hear that “whomp, whomp. whommmmp” sound during the day, and an Ask Yoda magic 8 ball. During a Zoom meeting, I can look at one of those items and be reminded of something that brings a smile to my face.
• Carving out time to do the other things you need to do. NOT carving out days to just relax (although do that if you can!), but intentionally creating the time and space for the responsibilities that build up while you take care of other responsibilities. For example, today, I took the day off of work to study and take an exam for grad school. I did this specifically so that I can accomplish these tasks during DAYTIME. Ever taken an exam at 10pm? I don’t recommend it. Can’t take a day of vacation time from work? See if there’s any flexibility in your hours/schedule to rearrange things for a day.
• Clean one corner of one room. Don’t go on a house-wide cleaning rampage (unless you can and want to), but make one corner of your house more tolerable. When I feel overwhelmed, I will do this in the places I know my butt will be planted the most: my work desk, my study area, and my bedroom. If you live in the constant disarray of clutter induced by too much ADHD in one household, knowing that you have one corner in the house that can bring you peace is incredibly regulating.
• Add in novelty in bite-sized nuggets if you can tolerate novelty. Eat McDonald’s every Tuesday night? Try BK next Tuesday…or change your usual order. Always study in the same spot? Move to a different spot for just one hour.
  • Conversely, if you need routine to feel regulated, create a little bit of routine in a situation you can’t control. For example, if you have a work meeting at a different location that brings you anxiety, bring something from your usual work routine or environment to stir back in some of that sameness.

These are just examples of things I have done to try to reframe my vision of self-care. It has been incredibly powerful in that when I hear that dreaded “Make sure you take time for your self-care” recommendation, I don’t instantly feel overwhelm or shame from yet another demand I will have difficulty meeting.

This is basically mindfulness with a tiny bit of planning. Even the word, “mindfulness” generates a negative response for me, because we automatically equate “mindfulness” with things that take time away from all of the other demands in life, such as meditation or spending 5 minutes on a mindfulness app. For me, mindfulness is awareness, and in the self-care ideas above, it is incorporated into what is already happening throughout my day.

So, try it. Cut the bullshit with the Millennial “self-care” concept, and turn it into something curated specifically for YOU. Any version that brings you the tiniest slice of peace, happiness, or regulation is perfect, just as it is.