October 11, 2025

Sensory Stories by Nicole on Facebook posted a new perspective on rigidity in autism that is honestly life-changing. Below in quotes are some of my favorite nuggets of information Nicole shares.

“Cognitive rigidity is a survival response due to unmet needs.”

In regards to cognitive flexibility, “we see more of the picture than most other people can. But when we are talking to someone else that is refusing to acknowledge the nuance we see as critical to the conversation…this often results in us pushing back pretty hard. Not because we are rigid, but because we are unwilling to accept a flattened version of a highly nuanced topic.”

I think back to the disagreements I have had with people both personally and professionally, and Nicole’s words wrap me in a warm hug. Disagreements throughout the decades where I felt impassioned and knew in my heart that I was right, but I retreated when the conversation was losing safety. Spiraling conversations with my mother throughout my life (still happens), where her logic is irrational, but I’m painted as disobedient. Misalignments in problem-solving approaches at work, where I am outnumbered, and my words are twisted and turned into something rather different. When I stand up for a peer’s feelings of inequity, I’m told it is ungrateful.

How is it ungrateful to want equity?

I could go on forever with examples. I will add here that I have never been in real trouble in my life. A 4.0 GPA, followed the rules at home, incredibly successful at work.

It’s because I retreat when I sense danger.

I give away the part of myself that is most precious–the ability to think globally and see the nuance–to make others feel more safe. My brain holds a million details, a barrage of possible scenarios and outcomes to any particular predicament, and the memory of an elephant. I exhibit hyperempathy, keenly being able to relate and anticipate the feelings of others, often feeling so deeply that I’m physically incapacitated.

I risk my own psychological safety to protect my reputation, relationships, and career. I justify it with needing to provide for my family, needing to maintain relationships, and needing to continue to be able to positively impact the world by being in the spaces I’m in.

I’m 41 and I’ve only just realized I’ve been doing this my whole entire life.

Is it worth it? I don’t know. I like my life. I don’t want it to be different. I’ve also experienced a ton of psychological pain to be at this point where I like and accept my life as it is. Who would I have become by not holding myself back? Would I like that person and life?

I suppose there’s no way to truly know. And there is not much point in perseverating on it when I can’t change what has already happened.

But it does make me pause and think about future interactions. You see, one side effect of my autism diagnosis is that I feel the mask receding. It has unlocked a new level of self-acceptance and I no longer feel like hiding the most unique aspects of myself.

I believe I ran across Nicole’s words for a reason. It gives me strength in the next difficult conversation. It gives me choice. And what always has been–doesn’t have to continue.