August 14, 2025

I hear these words, “I can’t,” more often than I ever imagined. That is the true hallmark of PDA (pathological demand avoidance)–his body/brain will not allow him to do even the things he WANTS to do at times. Many people misunderstand PDAer refusals to be a matter of “won’t.”

I’m here to say, it’s not that he “won’t,” it is that he “can’t.”

It’s never easy, but I’m realizing in this moment that at least he can tell me now. Before, it was hard to decipher the difference between not wanting to and being unable to do something. He has words now. Sometimes he can use them, but alas, sometimes he can’t. Either way, I have a slightly more reliable signal.

I forget it all the time. No matter how much I educate myself or develop my awareness…I’m still human. I can still be disappointed. I’m still programmed with societal expectations, and I’m not going to be able to reverse 40+ years of programming in just one year. Miles’s diagnosis was made almost 2 years ago, but I’ve really only been challenging myself to embrace a low-demand, understanding way of parenting for the past year.

I don’t understand how I lived before, not having my mind and heart open to neurodivergence. I wish more people could abandon the stereotypes they hold of the neurodivergent community. How many times do we have to say, “it’s a spectrum,” before NTs will stop saying hurtful things like, “you don’t look autistic?” Those comments aren’t just demeaning to me as a neurodivergent individual–they devalue my whole community. My fellow “can’t” people, who so desperately want to go about their lives in safety and peace.

If nothing else at all resonates with you, just remember this: next time someone you know makes a puzzling decision, such as, “I can’t come to the party,” or “I just can’t break that rule,” stop pressing. It could totally be a NT “can’t,” but there’s a possibility it could be more layered than that. By more openly accommodating others, we are more likely for those accommodations to help our neurodivergent peers.